Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Some Killer Klein Croquet Correspondence

(For previous adventures involving the Frog, see the "Frog" label at right.)

Dearest Frog,

We miss you greatly, but hope that you are getting a quality life experience in Gotham. We know you must be homesick for the golden fields of grain in the Midwest, so we wanted to let you know that harvest season is in full swing and the "Field Monsters" are chewing through the rows of corn and soybeans at a remarkable speed.

It had been our plan to let you fully participate in the Iowa presidential political process this fall, and even attend the Iowa Caucus event in January. But your unexpected move to NYC has prevented your opportunity to speak out for "Green" to the horde of presidential wanta-be's that are invading our otherwise serene environment. I do hope you will continue with your political interests there in New York, although it is a "flyover state" in the national political process, compared to Iowa.

Aunt Carol and I will be in your neighborhood soon. We are planning to visit your past guardian, Hans, in Ithaca from the evening of Tuesday, October 16 to the early morning of Monday, October 22. We will be flying in and out of Syracuse. Is there any chance that you and Cheryl can take a train north to the end of the line and meet us somewhere in that time period? Hans has a very fine Killer Klein Croquet set, and this could give you the chance to get back to Iowa and have a much bigger impact on the selection of the President of the United States.

Much love to you and to Cheryl. We miss you dearly,

Uncle John (the Commissioner)


Mr. Crooked Commissioner,

If you're thinking about having a croquet match in Ithaca with the frog on the line, I would advise you to consult your rules book. I believe that the bylaws of Killer Klein Croquet mandate that for the frog to be offered as compensation for victory, a representative from each Klein geographical location must be present.

Since Cheryl, hereafter referred to as "Yankee Traitor," moved from Missouri, hereafter referred to as "Dixieland," the Yankee Traitor surrendered her right to be a representative of Dixieland. Since no representatives of said region will be present the Killer Klein Croquet match, the frog, hereafter referred to as "Prize Melissa Will Win Back at Thanksgiving 2007," cannot be offered as compensation for victory. Instead, Thanksgiving, or whichever holiday we next have representatives from all geographical regions, including Dixieland, will be the next time the Prize Melissa Will Win Back at Thanksgiving 2007 shall be offered as compensation for victory.

I do hope that you heed this warning. The most recent steriods scandal that ripped through the croquet community tarnished your reputation enough.


The Killer Klein Croquet Bylaws Committee
Melissa L. Jackson, Chairwoman


Dear Commish and Committee Queen -- and all my other friends too --

Wow! It's flattering to hear that you're all so eager to have me come visit . . . but I have to tell you: I don't want to leave New York! I spend my days while Cheryl's at work studying the classic literature on her shelves -- Hop on Pop and The Mouse and His Child are my two favorites so far; then we use our evenings to partake of all the city has to offer. Cheryl and I went to a bhangra dance party last Thursday, a literary discussion on Friday, MoMA on Saturday (I LOVE Monet's "Waterlilies"), and had a nice restful Sunday with brunch and shopping. (Has Cheryl taken you to this great Chinese restaurant off the Bowery called Goody's? Their fresh Crickets in Garlic Sauce were the best I've ever had.)

And I really like that James, too -- he's a cutie. (Did Cheryl tell you I tagged along on their first date?)*

But I'm sorry to say we have to decline the invitation for next weekend. Cheryl says that if it were any normal Friday, she'd leave work early and take the bus to Ithaca that night; but J. K. Rowling is speaking that evening at Carnegie Hall, and I can't pass up my chance to see the world's greatest storyteller live and in person. It's looking like another busy weekend for us, too, with things Cheryl has to do for work, plus responsibilities at church. So I'm afraid I'll have to wait to see you all -- at Christmastime, perhaps, as I understand my hostess may miss the Midwest for Thanksgiving.

Speaking of which, I don't know what this "Prize Melissa Will Win at Thanksgiving" nonsense is anyway. Am I no more than an object to you? A mere THING? No! I am a Frog, and I demand all the respect due a Frog, especially one who can swing a croquet mallet as mightily as I. (I can certainly wield it better than Melissa, judging from her performance at that last competition. Stay home in Dixieland, you oppressive mallethead.)

With my love to you all, and best wishes from the Big Apple,



  1. Dear Frog,

    So did Cheryl eat the fresh crickets in garlic sauce, as well? And what are you going to be for halloween? And aren't you afraid of all the giant squids that follow Cheryl around? I hear they eat amphibians.

  2. Our Credo

    Frogs have the right to eat crickets in garlic sauce.

    Frogs have the right to play croquet and to wield the mallet.

    Frogs have the right to be in croquettes.

    Frogs have the right to be sauteed in garlic sauce, or if they are traitorous cowards who support Osama Bin Laden and are against the War on Terror, in butter-garlic sauce a la francaise.

  3. That's hysterical! I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed a blog post this much.
    Your family get-togethers must be big fun.

  4. Basement Bhangra -- you're my kind of Frog. (You might want to work off those crickets with the Masala Bhangra Workout.)

    Oppressive mallethead -- hee!

  5. Dixieland! What!!

    *ignores convoys of red Dodges with Stars and Bars going down street*

  6. Crickets in garlic sauce sound interesting :)

    Oh and this is for Frog..I saw your pics in NY in one of the posts under the NY label. My, you are positively handsome :)


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