Oscar Liveblog, Part I: The Pre-Show

Melissa was supposed to come over tonight to eat dinner, drink wine, and snark the Oscars. But then I came down with chills, a fever, and probably the beginnings of flu, so I am left alone to liveblog.

• Man, I loathe Billy Bush. Just as fatuous and smirking as his presidential cousin, but at least he wields no global power whatsoever.
• Or does he???
• P&P is “the story of a woman who refuses to give up on her search for true love.” Actually, that is a good description of the movie, but nonetheless, gag gag gag.
• Isn’t Orville Redenbacher dead? (Yes, of drowning.)
• “Is that a vintage dress? I just learned that word.” – the genius that is Billy Bush to Naomi Watts
• I love Paul Giamatti. A smart, funny teddy bear—one of my very favorite kinds of men.
• I also love people condescending to Billy Bush. All of the stars just look overwhelmed by the stupidity of the interviewers’ questions (not just Billy Bush’s).
• Oh, George Clooney. There is no more delicious man on this earth. Handsome and funny and tall and honest and so intelligent—he’s one of those men you don’t want to be married to, because he would never be faithful, but glory, it would be lovely to pretend for a day.
• The moment I’m most looking forward to this telecast: the performance of “It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp.” I hope it wins, too—I can still sing the chorus seven months after seeing the movie, and that’s the sign of a good movie song.
• Jennifer Aniston just said “Good gosh.” Hee.
• Ah, Garth Brooks’s “The Dance.” The seminal song of my high school prom. But that’s a story for another time.
• They haven’t had Billy Bush on for about twenty minutes, and the collective I.Q. of the show has risen by 40 points.
• Wait, he’s back, asking David Straithairn if he considers himself a star. We’re back below 100.
• Ooh, they’re having a “Write your own Mastercard ad” on priceless.com. The opportunities to be evil are just endless. (Priceless, even.)
• Last-minute picks: Paul Giamatti; Michelle Williams; Felicity Huffman; Philip Seymour Hoffman; Ang Lee; “Crash.”
• Great filmed opening with Jon Stewart. Off we go!