Tuesday, July 21, 2009

They Are the Champions, My Friends

Our Celebrity Guest Judges have compiled their results and rendered their verdicts, and as a result, we have our winners in the Thomas Bowdler Fiction Contest! A drumroll, and the envelope please . . .

Winner in the Children's Category: Patrick!
His entry: "Adolf Hitler was sad today."

Runner-up: Monica!
Her entry: "Mask, the mommy raccoon, herded the nervous children at the side of the road, trying to aver their eyes from Big Ringtail, their dad, as he lay on the dashed yellow line -- 'He's just sleeping,' she said, blinking back her tears."

Winner in the YA category: lynnekelly!
Her entry: "He walked into the room looking like he was carved out of granite, if a granite carving had a musculoskeletal system that would facilitate movement."

(No YA runner-up)

Winner in the Fantasy category: jadedmetaphor!
His or her entry: "Once, a female tried to join the brethren, only to be turned down on account that 'The multi-gendered collective of the traveling skull' didn't sound badass enough to scare away minor enemy posers who were put off by gory names, thus leaving the brethren with enough time to outrun legitimately scary foes."

Runner-up: susiej!
Her entry: "With twenty-seven arrows thrust into his tall heroic body and scarlet blood shooting from him like a bright and noble fountain, Jargormandor charged across the battlefield and slayed the evil sorcerer, Crabgallion, before falling gracefully to the ground and declaring with his dying breaths that his young, valiant nephew, Brandormandor, would be the one to lead his people now safely to their homeland, and all wept the salty tears of great sadness mingled with the beautiful, silvery tears of joy; and so our story begins."

If the winners will kindly send their postal addresses to me at chavela_que (at) yahoo dot com, I will keep them on file until such time as my book exists, at which point they will receive copies. And in the meantime, CONGRATULATIONS and HUZZAH to all the winners and runners-up, and to all participants in this noble contest!


  1. "He walked into the room looking like he was carved out of granite, if a granite carving had a musculoskeletal system that would facilitate movement."

    I would've picked this, too. Substitute marble and you've got a great line for Twilight.

  2. Can I steal the name Crabgallion? LOL...these are all brilliant. Bravo!

  3. Congratulations to all the winners and runner-ups!

  4. I'd like to thank the academy....(musical intro...)what?? I'm not done..hang on... there's people i have to thank...

  5. I am impressed with the granite one as well. It could actually have been written by Stephenie Meyer.

  6. I'd like to thank my valiant procrastination skills for this honor, for being strong enough to write bad lines for a fake story, never allowing themselves to be overpowered by the need to revise a real story...

  7. Wow! It's nice to know I can write a winning bad sentence. Now, if I can just write a good one!

    I don't know how the judges picked because I was cracking up at nearly all of them.

    Thanks for the laughs, Cheryl.

  8. I can't pick a favorite. Those are all pretty great.