A) In the rain on Prince Street this evening, I thought I saw someone I'd loved. That is "had loved," in the past tense, as it is all past and no present; but still I felt my heart catch on his image, and pull as I looked closer, at an unknown man, not my once-only, this one far too usual: with a too-loud laugh as I passed him, and an umbrella like everyone else's. But I felt the pain of that pull long after, and the sweetness too: my pleasure, still, at his memory, and my sadness it's all I have.
B) In the rain on Prince Street this evening
I thought I saw someone I'd loved.
That is "had loved," in the past tense,
as it is all past and no present.
But still I felt my heart catch
and pull as I looked closer:
at an unknown man,
not my once-only,
and this one far too usual --
with a too-loud laugh as I passed him
and an umbrella like everyone else's.
But I felt the pain of that pull long after,
and the sweetness too:
my pleasure, still, at his memory,
and my sadness it's all I have.
_____
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
"At the Corner": An Experiment
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It's like comparing a river to a waterfall. Same water, different flow. Both lovely.
ReplyDelete"but still I felt my heart catch on his image"
ReplyDeleteI love this line.
Not knowing what your experiment is, I enjoyed A even though B was enjoyable as well. A was more seductive somehow.
Angela
It's beautiful, but it still feels like prose to me, even in B. What do you think?
ReplyDeleteI think I prefer A, although I do more often drown myself in prose than poetry. The first seems to combine both forms in a way that satifies me very much.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course, it's a lovely, specific image/experience.
Not sure what the experiment is, but the idea behind the poem/reflection is beautiful. I especially like Prince Street, and its possible deeper meaning.
ReplyDeleteYour post on editing is fresh in my head, so I found them both...dare I say...long. I think both A and B would have a greater impact with fewer words. Also, showing us how it feels for a heart to catch would make our own hearts catch as well.
To say this to an editor might make me presumptuous, especially since I have no publishing credentials to back it up. But that's my opinion, so take it as you will. :) If I've offended, or completely missed the point of your experiment, please accept my apologies.
I like A better. If you're going to line it up in a poem, you've gotta make the words work harder.
ReplyDeleteAh, this one resonates.
ReplyDeleteA for me, too, but I think perhaps only because I read it first.
Okay, I have to say that I am a dope because the first time I read this I didn't catch that they are the same words with different typography. I kicked the first paragraph down but sipped the second version slowly, more savory like.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line is, “with a too-loud laugh as I passed him and an umbrella like everyone else's.” You have a quiet memory of a special man, not this cartoon figure that, like a Lewis Carroll dream, morphs when you get too close.
I also like the way the “camera’s eye” swoops around both in corporal space and in the teller’s outer and inner life.
“I saw someone I'd loved.” = outside
“my heart catch and pull” = inside
“an unknown man,” swinging outside again.
“my pleasure, still, at his memory, and my sadness” = settling down inside, introverted and introspective.
So I have to say, the “B” version worked much better for me as a hasty reader. It helped me slow down so I could enjoy the words better.
More please,
Marilyn
It's B all the way for me. Lyrical and lovely. For some reason, the same words in a paragraph format were just okay. Maybe as Marilyn said, it's because B makes you slow down and think about it.
ReplyDeleteFor your experiment, you might like to know that as a reader, I started reading #1 but skipped down to read #2 and stayed with that one all the way through. Then I went back and read #1 all the way to the end. Not sure what that means about the reader's eye or "eye" for text or my own prose/poetry preferences, but it's how I, as a reader, responded to your "experiment." Interesting!
ReplyDeleteI prefer b...more poetic. Made me want to read Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines by Pablo Naruda (my most favorite poem).
ReplyDelete~Erin
'A' felt much like stream of consciousness to me , while 'B' pointed its finger straight to the mix of emotion running through the moment. It left me wanting more of the narrator and the story of that lost love.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised that most people here said they preferred 'A'. Maybe it's just a personal preference thing. I do read a lot of poetry so that format doesn't put me off from the getgo. Maybe some people have a natural sensitivity (or have developed a sensitivity) toward poetry that others haven't?
very nice blog!
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