A Harry Potter Christmas filk: "It's Voldemort Outside"

(If you'd like to hear this performed live, the marvelous Melissa Anelli and the jolly John Noe are going to sing it on this week's Pottercast.)

"It's Voldemort Outside"
to the tune of "Baby It's Cold Outside" by Frank Loesser

Bold = Ginny Weasley; Italics = Harry Potter

You really must stay
But Voldemort’s outside
You can’t go away
But Voldemort’s outside
This evening has been
I have to go fight him
Just like a dream
Yes—wait, did you just hear that scream?
We’ve got some cushions here by the fire
It is a really wonderful fire
This comfy Kneazle rug on the floor
Destiny is oh such a chore
The situation can’t be that dire
So warm with you by the fire
Come on just a butterbeer more
I can put off the Dark Lord

I won’t let you go
Baby, it’s bad out there
I’ll cast “Imperio”
Death Eaters are mad out there
I wish I knew how
Voldemort on the prowl
To keep you safe
He looks like that one actor Ralph
I want to tell you not to fight
I promise you that I’ll be all right
But I know it’s up to you to decide
It’s more than just a matter of pride
(Both:) I wish you/I could stay
And yet Voldemort’s outside

Then I’m going too
Ginny, I fight alone
I’ll fight him with you
Oh please don’t take that tone
Who knows when you’ll need
Do I have to plead
The Bat-Bogey Curse?
Sweetie, you’re just making it worse
Bubotuber pus—just a squirt!
Imagine how I'd feel if you’re hurt
One of Fred and George’s Dungbombs!
This is not making me calm
And then when he’s really burnt
(Spoken:) He’ll be furious
I’ll shout, “Remember me, little Tom?”
Oh no she looks just like her mom

So we need to run
It’s Voldemort outside
My sweet Chosen One
Yes, the Dark Lord outside
We’ll stop to get Ron
He’s coming too?
And Hermione
She'll bring Hogwarts: A History
Who knows if we’ll see tomorrow
And maybe then all that sorrow
At least they’re gonna say that we tried
I’d like to have you by my side
(Both:) I love you and so,
Let’s fight Voldemort outside!

(Big finale:) Yes, we’ve got to go
It’s Voldemort . . .
Out . . .
Side!