Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Lines from “Star Wars” That Can Be Improved by Substituting “Pants” for Key Words

A list created by one of my classmates in the Carleton College class of 2000:

  • We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
  • The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
  • I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  • These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
  • Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
  • General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
  • I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
  • TK-421 . . . Why aren’t you in your pants?
  • Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
  • You are unwise to lower your pants.
  • She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
  • Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
  • You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
  • Luke . . . Help me take . . . these pants off.
  • Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
  • That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
  • A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
  • Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
  • Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your Highness.
  • Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one . . . Your sister!
  • Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
  • Yeah, well, short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
  • I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  • Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
  • You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.
  • Yesssss. The hate is swelling in your pants.


  1. Oh my. And I was trying so hard not to weep today...

  2. If you replace every single word of dialogue from the Phantom Menace with the word 'pants,' you are confronted with a much more challenging and interesting screenplay.

  3. For instance, Anakin's bragging about building a pod racer becomes, "Pants pants pants pants pants," which is superior to anything George Lucas has written in the last 25 years.

  4. "You're either with me ... or you're my pants!"

  5. "I have a bad feeling about pants."

  6. Paging McSweeney's... this is far better than anything they've ever published.

    I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard... must... wipe... pants...

  7. "My pants are a hive of scum and villainy."

  8. How about when the rebels are getting ready to attack the Death Star, and Luke is upset because Han Solo is leaving:

    Leia: What's the matter?

    Luke: Oh, it's Han. I really thought he'd change his pants.

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