Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Lines from “Star Wars” That Can Be Improved by Substituting “Pants” for Key Words

A list created by one of my classmates in the Carleton College class of 2000:

  • We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
  • The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
  • I find your lack of pants disturbing.
  • These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
  • Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
  • General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
  • I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
  • TK-421 . . . Why aren’t you in your pants?
  • Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
  • You are unwise to lower your pants.
  • She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
  • Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
  • You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
  • Luke . . . Help me take . . . these pants off.
  • Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
  • That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
  • A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
  • Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
  • Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your Highness.
  • Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one . . . Your sister!
  • Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
  • Yeah, well, short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
  • I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
  • Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
  • You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.
  • Yesssss. The hate is swelling in your pants.

15 comments:

  1. Oh my. And I was trying so hard not to weep today...

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  2. Is it me, or has that list gotten considerably naughtier since you last showed it about?

    I needed that. Thanks. : )

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  3. If you replace every single word of dialogue from the Phantom Menace with the word 'pants,' you are confronted with a much more challenging and interesting screenplay.

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  4. For instance, Anakin's bragging about building a pod racer becomes, "Pants pants pants pants pants," which is superior to anything George Lucas has written in the last 25 years.

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  5. I just want to add: "These are not the pants you're looking for."

    Thanks for the laughs.

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  6. "You're either with me ... or you're my pants!"

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  7. Paging McSweeney's... this is far better than anything they've ever published.

    I'm crying, I'm laughing so hard... must... wipe... pants...

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  8. "My pants are a hive of scum and villainy."

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  9. Good lord thats too funny.

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  10. How about when the rebels are getting ready to attack the Death Star, and Luke is upset because Han Solo is leaving:

    Leia: What's the matter?

    Luke: Oh, it's Han. I really thought he'd change his pants.

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