Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Eight Very Interesting Facts About Chuck Norris

(An explanation: My sister and I have long been fascinated by Chuck Norris and his show "Walker, Texas Ranger," even though neither of us have ever seen a complete episode. I think it stems from (1) all the drama you can put into saying "Walker, Texas Ranger," thanks to that excellent little comma; (2) being forced to visit the Texas Ranger Hall of Fame in Waco, Texas, while visiting Baylor University my sophomore year of high school [Baylor was large, flat, Baptist, and hot. I went to Carleton, which was small, hilly, irreligious, and cold.]; and (3) the fact that Chuck Norris is a badass -- there is no other word for it -- and yet he is named Chuck. The contradiction! The fascination! So Lissa sent me these facts from the, and I share them with you in lieu of a real blog post, like those I will hopefully start writing again once this weekend's conference is past. Learn and enjoy.)

  • Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  • The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


  1. My favorite episode is where Walker is on an airplane and an assassin dumps a crate of deadly vipers in the cabin. It’s called “Snakes Over Plano" (of course).

  2. Ah, thanks for the laugh! I especially liked the interesting facts about selling his soul to the devil and Red Bull. LOL! I've never tried Red Bull, and now I'll never want to!

    And ROFL lizzy for your comment!


  3. This is a late response to the Sunday, March 5th posting in which you are musing about which movie stars should play KTBB and you. For you, I would cast Loretta Young early in her career; and for KT, Claudette Colbert also early in her career. I realize that I am referring to pesonas that probably date to your grandparents' youth or earlier. I think a young Loretta might have dug your Chuck Norris but not Snakes on a Plane.

  4. That is freakin hillarious! I love you guys!

  5. That last anonymous post was me, your cuz.

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  7. The more Chuck Norris you know, the better:

    My favorite: Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Looking forward to meeting you at The Sterling Inn this weekend,
    Pamela Ross
    (once dated a Chuck E. and he was in love, although I'm not sure it was with me) ;}

  8. Laughing milk out my nose!

    Some of my favorites....

    Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

    Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

    When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

    Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

    And one I wish I could do...

    Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.


  9. Chuck Norris gave martial arts lessons to Bob Barker and Donnie and Marie Osmond. Wish I were kidding here, but I'm not.