tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post227700764554012176..comments2024-03-28T02:36:55.037-04:00Comments on Brooklyn Arden: An Explanation of the ExperimentCherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05972029478350879112noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-14111437574474078902006-10-23T23:44:00.000-04:002006-10-23T23:44:00.000-04:00Anonymous I: Hmm. I don't think I agree that the p...Anonymous I: Hmm. I don't think I agree that the poem would be improved by cutting the 3rd and 4th lines -- without those lines, or something like them, there wouldn't be enough emphasis on the love for the "heart catching" line to make emotional sense, to matter. And you're already being presumptuous in suggesting edits to my poem -- you might as well sign your name and stand by it. :-) <br /><br />Anonymous II: Some editors really want to be writers, but some of us really want to be editors. I'm an editor who enjoys writing. <br /><br />Anonymous III: Sorry, I disagree with both of your edits as well -- I like "unknown man" over "unfamiliar face," partly because it's tighter (three syllables to six), which is more in keeping with the overall controlled tone of the poem, and partly because of all those repeating "n" sounds with "not my once-only" in the next line. And the last line actually has an elided "that" in it -- that is, it grammatically ought to be, "my sadness that it's all I have." The semicolon would remove the elision and disrupt the wholeness of that thought, so I don't think I need it. <br /><br />Thanks to you all for your comments!Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05972029478350879112noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-11482182656784324072006-10-23T18:30:00.000-04:002006-10-23T18:30:00.000-04:00I'm not much of a poet myself, but I enjoyed the p...I'm not much of a poet myself, but I enjoyed the poetry form more than the prose. To me, the prose didn't convey the emotion as well as the poetry.<br /><br />Thank you for sharing this experiment with us. It is interesting to learn how a single line planted in the fertile soil of the mind was cultivated until it bloomed. :DjustJoanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10377292351547511489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-53636232517031619482006-10-23T16:20:00.000-04:002006-10-23T16:20:00.000-04:00Even though I am not a poet, I find analyzing poet...Even though I am not a poet, I find analyzing poetry a useful exercise in learning to choose the right word or succinct phrase. So it was no surprise that I connected with your prose paragraph immediately and did not 'quite get' the poem until after I had read your post. One line did jump out at me as not quite right. Would the line "as I looked closer; at an unknown man' be better like this: 'as I looked closer; at his unfamiliar face,' It sounded so much better to me – I felt more drawn into the picture the poem paints with this phrase. Maybe it's the internal alliteration, or the personal pronoun that connects me to the man and then disconnects me with unfamiliar following it, or the more specific word face. Would you agree? Also would a semi colon in the last line 'sadness; it's' enhance the poem the same as in the previous line or would you consider that overkill?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-49708079789678367012006-10-23T14:39:00.000-04:002006-10-23T14:39:00.000-04:00I've always wondered whether editors aren't really...I've always wondered whether editors aren't really people who wanted to be writers but needed to make more of a living (like all of us) and wanted to do it around books and the book-making process. Are you sure you wanted to be an editor all along? Just curious.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-48528872881964877592006-10-23T13:44:00.000-04:002006-10-23T13:44:00.000-04:00Thanks for sharing this explanation of your experi...Thanks for sharing this explanation of your experiment. I've been wondering what it was all about. :)<br /><br />Glad to hear Prince street was deliberate and that I wasn't imagining things. It was a nice touch. So was the umbrella like everyone else's. Those were the parts that I liked best.<br /><br />I agree with Melinda in that the words need to work harder - the end result being there are fewer of them. <br /><br />Regarding your two lines about "had loved," I suggest you cut them. You establish this past tense in the second line: "I thought I saw someone I'd loved." Nothing more needs to be said. If you want to put more emphasis on the past, then turn "I'd" into "I had."<br /><br />Hope this is helpful...I'm still too chicken to sign my name for fear of being labelled presumptuous. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-31324858521094651392006-10-23T09:21:00.000-04:002006-10-23T09:21:00.000-04:00I was just quoting Dr. Trowbridge, who always said...I was just quoting Dr. Trowbridge, who always said that about my poems. My poems always had to be little stories. I get way too impatient with poetry and just inching through word choices and what the connotations and denotations meant in the overall scheme of things. I feel like novels are so much easier than poems! Or I should say that I personally find the problems and hassles of a novel easier to deal with than the persnickertiness (?!) of a poem.<br /><br />But ... ain't love grand? Even lost love.Melinda R. Cordellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02924404257237523106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4074861.post-42369888677346964242006-10-23T06:36:00.000-04:002006-10-23T06:36:00.000-04:00Wonderful blog. Thank you so much for sharing the ...Wonderful blog. Thank you so much for sharing the process! It's completely fascinating to me. (And, for what it's worth, I liked the poem better than the prose, myself.)Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16155601456589780895noreply@blogger.com